First topic message reminder :
I Just wanna say im sorry. Ive had time to go away and cool down. I was totally out of order before, i shouldnt have said those things before, i didnt mean them, i was just pissed off and wanted to offend you.
Seb and hek are in the area of being my best mates in SoL along with kernow and xaso, i was being far too critical and harsh before, you are both great admins, and even though hektor has made some mistakes, that has nothing to with abillity to do his job, because when it comes to being an admin, he does it really well. So i just want to say sorry to both of you, i was being unreasonable, both of your are my good friends and very responsible competent admins. I apologise.
Ive been having a hard time of late, at home things are not easy, i have my grandma to look after (who i live with) and though for the most part she can handle herself, she still needs alot of help around the house not to mention financially too. And now i have a girlfriend its caused problems because i need to spend alot of my time with her, which means i cant give my gran so much attention, so things are becoming strained. I get pissed off alot now and feel my grandma is asking too much of me, we argue alot because she can be unreasonable, she is demanding too much (especially when i get in from work, im knackerd, the last thing i want to do is work again when im in the house) and she cant comprehend that i have other responsibilities now, and that i need to spend time with my girlfriend.
Despite the fact i love her, she is very old, and even older fashioned. She has completely out lived this generation and it means that our points of view differ vastly and that stops us seeing eye to eye. We always argue and she can be a total nightmare sometimes, it does my head. If i could afford it i would move out, but i cant, so im spending alot of my time shut up in my room out of her way, but then when we do cross paths we argue even more. I dont expect u to understand, but she is bad, she puts an obsticle in front of everything i do. He heart is in the right place but she can inadvertantly be very manipulative. My situation makes me feel so mad, not to mention trapped and helpless.
Then in Jk2 im having problems. I dont know what it is (i spoke to xaso about this) but im just not enjoying the game anymore, ive tried really hard to get on server and have fun, but it just isnt happening. Often when i leave the server, im more pissed off than when i join (There was a time when JK2 was my calming remedy) i dont know why exactly, but there are two contributory reasons,
1. I hate scripters now more than ever before, i go totally mental now when somebody uses scripts against me, i rage and retaliate, then if i keep getting beat, i go more mental still, I hate it and it ruins my gaming pleasure, i cant back down, i fight and i fight and just go in a vicious circle of getting more and more pissed off, its stopped my enjoyment of the game totally.
2. Everybody else seems to getting better than me, and i seem to be moving backwards. It drives me crazy. There was a time when i was a pretty handy JK2 player, but now i get beat from people who i used to win comfortably. Ive trained and trained but its just no progress. I get mad myself when i get beaten from a member who never used to be as good as me, it feels like im doing training and playing the game all for nothing at all. Its ruining my pleasure of the game, and it stops me wanting to play. I dont like taking lessons from people, and i dont like offering people duels anymore for fear of getting beaten. Im just not enjoying this game anymore at all, several times i have considered quitting. (especially considering my external situation now) I was hoping that if i got admin, some more responsibility would make this game fun for me again, but otherwise im just not having fun in the game because im either playing really badly, or just that everybody else is getting better than me. It drives me nuts and make me want to just throw in the towel and give up.
Yesterday laaaaf lamed me, i raged, we ffa'd. He beat me something like 12 times in row, i was fuming, every time he kept taunting me with "noob" "cry" "=]" I was going crazy. Ask blackwolf, he was there, i was going off on one. I got so pissed off at one point i nearly rage quit, but i went for a smoke and came back and he was gone. Im getting serious anger over this game now, its only a stupid game, there are more important things in life, but when im on server all i do is focus on the game, and all my emotions get poured into it. It has become a real problem.
There other day there was just myself and reborn master on server, we ffa'd then he put his chatbox up and i typekilled him. I was like wtf. Then he kept provoking me saying "come kill me" "come kill me" just over and over, really spamming it. when i went away he put his chatbox down and attacked me, then when i fought him back he put it up again. I was going mental. So then i moved away and waited for him to put it down and use rage+speed, he put it down again as i ran at him, i tried to kill him before the typekill took effect but it was too late, i typekiled him. The same thing happened again, with him taunting and attacking, then putting up chatbox, i did it again and was once again too late. This time i got the stun batton. Well them he went to town on me, he pwned me over and over again. The stun batton didnt go away even after several kills against me. I was forced to disconnet and come back. Then i went for him again and the same thing happen. I got the stun baton once again, and he started pwning my arse, i was a sitting duck. I lost my cool compeletly, i went mental. After that i was in such a rage that i disconnected and reconnected and typekilled him when he put his chatbox up, i did this 3 more times, disconnecting and reconnecting each time. I was going crazy. At the time i didnt even care, i was just so fuming. Then people started to join and kernow came on. He looked at the info and saw that i had 7 typekills (i should mention that i was under a different name, i did system restore and had my old ATS tag back, i could be bothered to change it so i change my name to "The JenovA Project"). Kernow slept me and took me to office (not knowing it was it me). At this point i was cooling down and beginning to have regrets, i was ashamed of myself even though i had been serverly provoked into my actions, i tried to hide my identity. Anyways kernow found out it was me, i told him that i was sorry and that i was ashamed of myself. He said he was ok with it.
The point is that because of recents event, im finding this game no fun at all, i dont know what to do now, half of me wants to quit, the other half stay. In my heart of hearts i dont want to leave, but then again how can i play a game that i get absolutley no lesuire or fun out of anymore?
Again sorry to hektor sebbat and kernow.