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 Would you read this?

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Phoenix
Sith Warrior
Sith Warrior


Posts : 4357

PostSubject: Would you read this?   Thu 07 Apr 2011, 8:52 am

My job has been so boring and repetitve, that my imagination has walked miles and miles during the work. I sort of came up the a story, just an idea that entered my head, but i have no idea if it sounds like a good story, so i thought i would let you guys judge. This is just a the first two pages, imagine that you are opening a brand new book, this is how that book starts. Its a fantasy story, set in a fictional world. The title i have come up with so far, is RAINESTORM, but RAINEDANCE was also a consideration. Please ignore spelling grammar mistakes, i havent proof read it.

Please let me know what you think.

Here goes:



Crouching low on the high wall, and shrouded by the absence of the moonlight, she closed her eyes and gently inhaled. She seemed to be steeling herself as she drew breath, her eyes snapped open and she began to move with a purpose, strafing along the walls edge towards the adjacent building; its open window taking her focus. She took quick glance at the deserted street below, before gracefully sliding her way through the open gap into the second floor bedroom of the rundown pub.
The room was dark and dingy; the smell of stale ale vaguely present. She once again closed her eyes, but this time she focused. “Yes”, she thought, “…one trooper is definitely standing at the bar….”, she now turned her concern to the other, this had to be a clean job, or all effort was wasted. She searched her senses, closing her eyes yet tighter, the answer came, “just exiting the toilet….” The bar had to be empty, or certainly have no public presence, curfew had finished almost an hour since, and being hooded and cloaked, she hardly needed to worry that her identity wasn’t safe. It was important, however, that the bartender did not come to harm, there had to be a witness. She silently opened the door of the bedroom, and exited slowly.
The stairs down to the bar came into view, the dim light radiating up the stairs. She halted at the top, as a conversation of the two troopers came into earshot and seemed to resume, “So as I was saying, yeah man I kicked this guys skull in!” exclaimed one. The other replied, “Yeah, serves the git right, you can’t mess with Raven Troopers and not expect a consequence”. She began to descend, her breathing calm and steady. “I tell you, some of these local scumbags boil my blood, they have no respect for our authority”. She was almost halfway down, she pressed her lips together as if she were dying to outrage at that last remark, but she remained silent as a ghost, the bar still concealed from view. “Well”, said the second voice, “….I guess you can’t expect them to be happy about it, being forced under the rule of the Empire. But they should still respect the Consul and his troops.” She inched down to the next step, the Raven Troopers came into view, across the room at the bar.
The first was sat on a stool facing the bar, his back to her, and the second with his back to the bar, facing her, clutching his pint lackadaisically, and looking far from sober. She now reached the bottom of the stairs, the bartender was came into sight too, stood behind bar to the troopers left, attempting to clean a filthy glass with a rag that, if possible, looked even dirtier, her wore a vacant expression on his grisly face.
With Her cloak being so dark, she was still easily concealed by shadow with the light in the room being so dull. “Damn right they should”, growled the first trooper, “think of everything the empire has done for them. Without us, they would still have their old useless technology! The Empire improved everything in this city, and all that was asked for was respect and obedience!” The second trooper nodded slowly, his weary gaze focused at the floor. “Yeah I agree, but the citizens here just aren’t interested in those sorts of things, they would rather have their freedoms…” The first trooper dismissed this with a wave of his arm “Bah! They don’t know how lucky they are, personally I think we are too soft with them, we should…….huh?!” As the girl had moved forward into the light, the second trooper gave a start, causing the first to round on his seat. Jumping to his feet, “Who the hell are you!?”, he demanded. She paused and remained quite still for a second, she glanced at the cellar door behind the bar, which was shut tight. The bartender looked extremely surprised “How did…”, but the first trooper cut across him, “Quiet you!” shouting at the barman, before addressing her again. “Who are you, how did you get in here!?” She didn’t answer immediately, but considered him. “Who…am….I?”, she said eventually. The second trooper looked relieved at hearing a female voice, the first trooper however, reached for his stun baton. “Im warning you girly, don’t play with us!”, he said threateningly. She didn’t reply, but slowly raised her hand to her mouth. The bottom of her face being the only thing not covered by the shadow of her hood, she opened her mouth, then caressed her finger with her lips. Both of the troopers looked taken aback, as she hummed seductively, kissing the tip of her finger. She glanced at the cellar door, it was open. “You..asked..me..my..name? My..name..is..Raine”. She flicked the switch at the bottom of the stairs, light in the room died, the troopers turned on their stun rods and a florescent blue filled the room. “Arrrggh!”, the sound of agony as the second trooper looked down at his chest, to find the hilt of a silver sword protruding from his chest, blood already running from the wound like a tap. The silhouette of a man, rose up from behind him, the first trooper turning himself around towards the source of the commotion, just as Raine flung a dagger flying through the air at him with all the strength she could muster. It pieced him squarely, in the small of the back, he let out a scream of pain, his knees buckled, and his body fell forwards, just as the man retracted his blade from the second trooper. Both bodies fell pathetically against each other, dropping like puppets in heap on the floor, both lay motionless, trickles of blood running from their corpses. Raine moved backwards and reached out, flicking the light switch back on, the familiar dimness spread through the room, as the man stepped forward into it. His face was masked, but he was cloak very similar to that of Raines. He stared at her intently for several seconds, before bowing his head and saying “Raine”. She walked further into the room, a grin appearing on her face. She raised her hands and lowered her hood backwards, the shadow it created over her face lifted, only to reveal the beautiful features of a girl, with long brown hair, and deep blue eyes. “Hello Erron”.
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Xasomur
Legend
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PostSubject: Re: Would you read this?   Thu 07 Apr 2011, 1:17 pm

Surprised
nice one Surprised
likey it. if boredom would just always lead to such kind of efforts ^^ suspend and trhilling narration Smile

(btw: could you please check your emails? the adress u use for this forum Smile )

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TheGraanulaarian
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PostSubject: Re: Would you read this?   Thu 07 Apr 2011, 1:52 pm

An excellent read, Phoenix ^^
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Proballboy



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PostSubject: Re: Would you read this?   Thu 07 Apr 2011, 3:24 pm

i read most of it i and i liked how you made the characters a bit shadowy nice start Smile
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Dark Misery



Posts : 593

PostSubject: Re: Would you read this?   Thu 07 Apr 2011, 4:04 pm

She's the princess!

Surprisingly this kept me engaged in reading it. However the idea sounds kind of unoriginal, a bunch of pro assassin revolutionists fighting for freedom in a future dictatorship/ or sort of government. Kind of like in the game Mirrors Edge.. However that's only how it sounds from those paragraphs, I don't know you're plans! =]
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Phoenix
Sith Warrior
Sith Warrior


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PostSubject: Re: Would you read this?   Thu 07 Apr 2011, 5:52 pm

You touched my problem, that is my worry too. Its difficult to find origionality given that i use so much to inspire my writing. But thx guys, maybe i will write more after this feedback. Smile
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Dark Misery



Posts : 593

PostSubject: Re: Would you read this?   Thu 07 Apr 2011, 6:43 pm

Phoenix wrote:
You touched my problem, that is my worry too. Its difficult to find origionality given that i use so much to inspire my writing. But thx guys, maybe i will write more after this feedback. Smile

Now I got what movie you were inspired by.. V For Vendetta? Lol
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Grimmjow



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PostSubject: Re: Would you read this?   Thu 07 Apr 2011, 7:23 pm

Trolololo you made in title "Would you read this?" and i can only say hell no, i hate wall of text Very Happy
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TheGraanulaarian
Sith Lord
Sith Lord


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PostSubject: Re: Would you read this?   Fri 08 Apr 2011, 12:29 am

Lawl Grimmjow, don't be a pro! Just sit there for 10 minutes and read it through!
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swiftY



Posts : 1143

PostSubject: Re: Would you read this?   Fri 08 Apr 2011, 12:33 am

Grimmjow wrote:
Trolololo you made in title "Would you read this?" and i can only say hell no, i hate wall of text Very Happy

I 2nd that... sorry pho make a movie and ill be happy to sit thru it i cant stand reading
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Hektor



Posts : 5206

PostSubject: Re: Would you read this?   Fri 08 Apr 2011, 2:20 am

TheGraanulaarian wrote:
Lawl Grimmjow, don't be a pro! Just sit there for 10 minutes and read it through!

It's easy for you! English man!

Me (we) non English guys have to translate :///////////////
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KiraOrLight
Sith Adept
Sith Adept


Posts : 770

PostSubject: Re: Would you read this?   Fri 08 Apr 2011, 4:20 am

Twas good. Now run it through a grammar checker lol.
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Phoenix
Sith Warrior
Sith Warrior


Posts : 4357

PostSubject: Re: Would you read this?   Fri 08 Apr 2011, 5:01 am

Nightmare_I wrote:
Phoenix wrote:
You touched my problem, that is my worry too. Its difficult to find origionality given that i use so much to inspire my writing. But thx guys, maybe i will write more after this feedback. Smile

Now I got what movie you were inspired by.. V For Vendetta? Lol

Er...to be honest, not really. I was think more along the lines of things like Harry Potter, Final Fantasy, Lord Of The Rings, that kinda thing.

I see your point though. A resistance movement against a domineering Empire, sounds like such a cliche Neutral
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Grimmjow



Posts : 1450

PostSubject: Re: Would you read this?   Fri 08 Apr 2011, 8:35 am

TheGraanulaarian wrote:
Lawl Grimmjow, don't be a pro! Just sit there for 10 minutes and read it through!
when it gets over 2-3 lines i don't bother reading it, unleash it's important info ^^
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