This is not bragging, this is truth. Although I enjoy giving advice, I prefer to be a student of life, not a professor. When it came to women, I was my own worst enemy. In my younger days i felt insecure, lacked self-confidence, was convinced that I wasn't particularly handsome, or that I did have the kind of body that women view as sexy. All these limitations, I placed on myself. They never exsisted until I invented them, the same way people convince themselves of their shortcomings and inadequecies, everyday in life. I won't tell you my exact figure, but it breachces both my age and my house number added togther, which is 25 and 10, with a good amount left over to play with. Put simply, these are some of the things I've learned along the way, courtesy of some of the greatest pickup artists in the world, and my own experiences.
This is not intended to be read all at once, read as much or as little as you like, return to it later.Preface
"Be yourself." This is a statement that we hear, everyday, everywhere, and it's one of the greatest and almost meaningless cliches in life, yet most people fail to recognise that. Nobody is truly just themselves, in the same way that the weather is not truely the weather, just a description of elements and conditions, that you experienced that day, or that you can expect the following day.
There are two things that make you yourself. Your personality is based upon electrical signals, input and outputs, and chemical reactions in your brain, and it's chemical balence. These of course, vary from person to person, for some people, these are set in stone, others change alot over due course. What alot of people present to the world as 'themselves' is a concaocion of bad habits and fear based behavior.
Secondly, and more importantly, our personality is also influenced by experiences. These change as we go through life, the person I was at 15, I was not when I was 20, now that I'm 25, I'm not that person I was when I was 20 either. It happened to Anakin Skywalker, it will also happen to you. I am an evolution of that person. When I am 30, I will probably look back and realised I have changed again. I can't even imagine acting or sounding like my Dad, yet, those days will doubtless come, then I really will have a different personality.
Also, we have the amazing ability of abstract thought, empathy and situational judgement. The person I present to my family at the dinner table, is not the same person I portray to my friends in a bar, the same goes for when I'm in the work place, or at home in my house. Ultimately what I want get across is, people use "just be yourself" as an excuse not to improve, not to change, not to better themselves, not to persue and not to increase their strengths.
You should look at yourself, like you look at a college course, always improving, always learning, always open to change, and inviting new people and experiences into your life. Learn what your strengths are, and how to convey them with success. Don't use, "just be yourself", as an excuse to limit your beliefs, or worse, refusing to try something that seems uncharicteristic for you.
Having the guts to approaching a girl in a bar, without worrying about the outcome, my seem uncharicteristic for alot of people.
If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always done. Don't allow yourself to take the escape route of something that is uncharicterist, but focusing on a potential negative outcome, that may never actually happen, see it as an oppertunity to try something new, and see it as a chariter building experience. As human beings, every fire should forge us harder, and sometimes, you'll be suprised how the most ordinary circumstances, can lead to the most thrilling tales.
To draw from my own personal experiences. I once was walking the streets of Townsville, Northern Territory, Australia, late at night, and was hugely thirsty, even though the sun had been down for hours, it was hot. But everywhere I looked seemed to be closed, until I spotted one solitary waitress clearing away the outside of a restaurant, that had clearly already closed. Had this been an ordinary girl whom I had no attraction towards, I probably wouldn't have throught twice, but she was cute, like, really cute, and appeared to be in her own little world, as she finished her shift. She didn't so much as glance at me as I walked past, there was no way I was going to talk to her, besides, she was clearly busy, she wouldn't want me disturbing her. If I asked her for a drink, or If she knew where I could buy a drink, she's probably ignore me, tell me she was busy or to go away, besides, she wasn't that hot anyway... right? Then the freedom side of my mind booted up. fly a kite it, I'm a fun, worldly, confident individual, theres no reason why she shouldn't talk to me, besides, I only want a drink, right? I approached...
"Hey... do you know anywhere around here still open where I can buy a soft drink, I'm partched" I say, in a pleasant and upbeat tone.
She looks up and smiles. "No... you've left it a bit late haven't you?"
I smile "Ha, yeah... I was just walking the street because I got bored in the hostel, but I don't know this area at all."
She nods understandingly, with a slighly interest"Oh... where are you from, are you Irish?"
I keep eye contact, but lean my body away, as if I'm half ready to leave "Irish? How dare you!(I say in mock indignation) English... but I've been travelling here for 18 months, I just flew up from Melbourne this morning. I have no idea about this town though, I'm lost ha ha"
She replies "Cool... and yeah it's big, but you'll get used to it. It's wierd, you don't have the typical British accent."
I feel my inner stifler giving me the nudge "Ha, I'm from the north, much thicker accents up there. Is there any chance I could a buy a drink here?"
She shakes her head "No... the bar is closed" Then she does a double glance "Unless... you want a glass of water...?"
I grin "Water it is!"
After she after she fetches the water, we chat more while I quench my thirst, mostly about her job, which she says is boring, her future ambitions, and my travelling, between us, we cover alot of ground in a just a few minutes, with which there are laughs and agreements, with non of the arkwardness i'd previously been so fearful about.
"How long are you gonna be around?" She asks
"Couple of weeks. Then on to Mount Isa"
"Well you should pop in here one night and bring your friends, thursday is good, has a cool vibe" She suggests
"Yeah maybe, I'll run it past them, but to be honest, they're quite as boring as you say your job is" I laugh
"Well, you'll have to just bring yourself then"
"Can do, when are you working again?"
"I'm not sure, but if you come in when I'm here, I'll get you a drink"
"A drink? On the house? lucky me!"
"Not on the house, on me, silly"
"Ha ok thats cool, it's a deal, but how do I know you'll be here"
"Well.... here... take my number"
One interaction, one girl, one guy, one phone number, one date arranged with a cute girl, all in the space of ten minutes. All because I decided not to keep walking.
Moving on, I've compiled my learnings into a walk can be described as, half - advice and guidance, and half - information and facts, condensed as much as I can. I've tried to make it generic, so this is can be used to fit as many scenarios as possible, be it, the stranger at the bar, the girl you've around but never worked up the courage to talk to, the girl you've talked to and knows you, but has no idea you like her, the only one it won't fit is the girl, who you're already very good friends with for one of two simple reasons, she's already attracted to you, and just haven't realised or had the courage to chance it, or, more likely, she sees you as a friend and only as a good friend, if you starting acting differently around her immediately, she will feel alienated. She knows the old you, not the new one. Lesson 1
Never start by asking normal boring everyday questions (whats your name? what do you do for work? etc...BORING you sound the same as the last 20 guys that tried talking to her) There is no cat-string or push-pull theory(the idea of toying and teasing a girl rather than outright hitting on here), do not allow her to monopolise your time no matter how attracted you are, you need to appear the centre of attention (women are attracted to social status), so don't give her all your attention at the cost of others around you.
Inexperienced men ask questions like their in a job interview or a game show, hoping that if they win enough points they will get a prize, in this case being her phone number, or a cab back to hers. Men make two critical mistakes. Firstly they focus too much on one specific outcome, be it sex, a kiss, or a phone number, this psychs most guys out. Second, don't hit on her until you think shes attracted to you, this can take minutes in some cases, hours to days in other ones, however make sure you don't wait too long and get friend zoned.Lesson 2
Have an attractive lifestyle. Theres a reason guitarist and actors get laid, and it's not because of looks, its because of lifestyle. Sure PS3 and TV and Films are fun, but if you want social status (something that is one of highest qualities women look for) then you need to be getting out in the world and making it happen. Join a sports club, join a gym, go to bars or coffee shops, get hobbies, travel around, and have a calender full of activities. The idea is that you shouldn't be chasing a girl hoping to be part of her life, instead you should give her a chance to step into your exciting life.
One of the paradoxes of being able to attract women, is giving the impression that you always have something better to do than trying to attract women. Hang around with people who encourage and make you positive about yourself, cut negative people out of your life, you don't need them. Family is important in life, but often family is as much there to discourage as much as encourage, make sure you form your own views and do things for yourself, regardless of what your family thinks, its the best way to become a strong person. Take the traits you like from your parents, discard the ones you don't.Lesson 3
TRUE: How you Look, is important. FALSE: Only guys who are naturally good looking, attract girls. Both of these judgements, are in fact, asbsolutely correct. Contrary to popular belief, if you are not born with looks, you can certainly learn them. The first step is to make sure you are well groomed, not untidy or shabby. By all means keep any tasteful stubble or goatee, but manage it regularly. Trim straying eyebrows, get your teeth cleaned properly, get your hair styled, get a tan if it appeals to you, keep your nails in good shape and loose any other bad habits, be it scratching your arse or picking your nose. People notice the things you do, sometimes more than actually noticing you yourself. In essence, people are attracted to other people, who take good care of themselves.
Some of most iconic babes in the media, are idolised because because they're the hottest women in the world. But if they let their diets go, gave up wearing makeup, stopped keeping fit, started smoking 40 a day, and wore cheap rags of clothes that niether looked good, nor fitted right, nobody would find them even half as attactive as they are at the moment. They would be kicked out of spotlight quicker than cowboy draws his pistol.
They don't have an excuse, neither do you. The second thing is commiting to the right style of clothing. This doesn't mean you need the most expensive brands, but clothing should at least look fashionable, even if it was cheap. It should be well fitting, jeans that droop off your ass, t-shirts that flap in the wind when you wear them are not fashionable unless you're a calafornian rapper. Ask a clothing store for advice, ask a fashionable friend, or model some styles from celebrities. Don't be afraid to buy accessories like a watch, braclet or necklace, not only do they make you stand out, but they can be great conversation peices. Don't wear things just because others wear them, you want to be confident in your own style. People that stand out from the crowd rather than fit, usually get better results. Also go online and look up Peacock Theory.Lesson 4
Approach an attractive girl armed with an opener, if she is with friends, approach the group. The opener is not a "hit-on" line, its simply a platform with which to escalate a conversation. It should be delivered to a group of people, rather than the attractive girl herself, although not always. Stay away from boring generic questions, instead think of something actually funny or interesting, but palm it off on behalf of somebody else. For example. "Hey guys, just a give me a quick opinion. I have a friend that has just bought a three legged cat, but he can't think of what to name it, so trying to find suggestions, any ideas?". OR " Of course you have no friend with a 3 legged cat, but this is just a pure example. But it generate positive and humorous responses and engage the people your talking to.
Once in the converation, they should begin to enjoy your comany, once they feel comfortable being around you, seen as you are not needy, and do not have a sexual ajenda (we let them think), they won't feel threatened by you, and they will forget all about the cat after a while anyway once you move the conversation along. Also, give a time constraint, after your opener. "I have to get back to my friends in a minute."
This is because, when you talk to people who don't know you, they think two things. What you want from them, and how long you will be there. You're going to tell them. "Just a couple of minutes", so that they can relax, because no matter what happens, you're going to leave in a minute. Don't worry about saying it, because once they realise they're enjoying your company, they will want you to stay around. Make sure you smile, have a positive upbeat attitude, and use eye contact. But don't stare, be too bouncy or excited, or talk too fast, thats annoying, creepy, and won't convey the cool you.
Don't immediately ask for names, ask boring questions, you don't care what their names are yet. Don't lean into the group, or monopolise the central space, if all goes well you will end up being there anywhere. Remember to be natural (even if you don't feel it), the paradox of having social skills is that it takes effort to look effortless.
Don't start by saying "I'm sorry", "Please", or "excuse me". We have been taught to be polite, but this makes you sound like you're begging for something, and Confident people never apologise for their presence. You may be nervous when approaching, thats natural, because this matters to you, but don't focus on the outcome.
So long as you approach friendly and upbeat, don't look like you have an agenda, or display any sexual intentions, then people will usually respond politely and be outgoing towards you. People are usually only rude and impolite when they feel their space, well being or indentity is threatened. Lesson 5
Invite the attractive girl to give her opinion, smile and give her eye contact. If you like her suggestion then reward her by laughing and tell her thats a great idea, if you don't agree with it, tease her and make fun of her with something like "Ha really? You can do better than that".
There is a fine line between tease and insult, so make sure you have a smile on your face and fun in your voice. Often the conversation can elevate naturally but if it doesn't, ask a few questions and listen to the answers, but again draw the line at before sounding like quiz show host. Better yet, build on her answers with stories of your own.
Don't put the attractive girl on a pedestal, you'll psych youself out and get yourself thinking she's too good for you. If she starts bomarding you with questions, don't just sit there rattling off answers, more often than not this is a challenge to see whether you are the strong, confident, interesting and cool person she is looking for. What you don't realise is, simply by continually answering her, you're failing the test.Lesson 6
Appear as the object of desire (even if it seems out of charicter), be aloof and challenge her. This doesn't mean you need to be mean, nasty or rude, the idea is show that you are not too effected by her beauty and charm, and to elevate her attraction towards you. Showing too much attraction towards her too soon can make you look needy, or worse, like you have sexual intentions.
But being friendly and only being friendly is a sure way to make sure she sees you only as a friend and treats you as such, sometimes that can be even worse than rejection. You need to have rapport and connection, but not at the expensive of attraction.
Many inexperienced men simply focus on rapport, and think everything is going great just because they have things in common, and are then dissapointed when they are friend zoned or rejected. You need to show that you have higher value than other men, by not being fazed by her great looks, whilest still teasing, subtle touching and attractive body language. Be funny, but don't be a stand up comedian.
Tell interesting stories, with funny or ironic twists but, keep them quite short so as you don't bore the ass of her. Challenge her by playfully threatenening to leave if her banter doesn't improve, Demonstrate social proof and value, win over her friends. She can be attracted to you as she likes, if her friends drag her away, you've wasted your time.
Don't under any circumstances give sexual compliments, such as "You're so hot" or "You're body is great" Unless you are sure the girl is the sort of person who can take that the right way. Girls with low self-esteem will dismiss this because they will think you're only saying it just to sleep with them. Girls with high self-esteem hear this too much, from their friends, and more often than not, by other guys trying to hit on them. By saying that, you're no different from the rest of the guys who've tried to chat her up. Lesson 7
Be the first to leave the conversation, after all, you're an important person who has other people to dedicate time to everybody else who likes you. If you really feel shes getting to like you, judge her body language. Is she giving you prolonged eye contact? smiling? does she seem to enjoy the attention? if somebody else talks to you do she try to get your attention back? Is she subconciously twirling her hair, touching her cheeks or playing with something in her hand? These are indicators of interest.
If you're reading her right, don't be afraid to try for the kiss. It sounds daunting, those 9 inches a man has to move to reach her lips can be the scariest 9 inches he will conquer. Using eye contact and a smile say something flirtatious and confident like "I'm thinking...I wanna kiss you..." She can reply "ok", which happens only rarely, she can say "no", in which case you say "I didn't say I was going to...I was just thinking it might be nice" or she can say "really?" or ".........." in both cases you lean slowly in, another physical connection such as placing a hand on the side of her neck, or on her waste, can move her senses away from just her lips, so that the kiss isn't the one hundred percent focal point......and what the hell....it makes it feel more passionate..... If she pulls away or give you the cheek simply laugh and say "I'm such a flirt, didn't you know?" or "Ha ha, and there was me thinking you were adventerous."
Confessing being a flirt can be a turn on, and also gives you an excuse for being that way, and nobody particularly likes being told they are not adventerous, even if they aren't. It sounds insulting, but actually its just giving her a challenge, showing you're confident and unintimidated and can help build her attraction towards you. Lesson 8
Asking for a number can also be one of the most intimidating events a man has to come across in his dating career. If she says no, all the hard work you've put in so far is wasted. Although you can be persistant about it, and ask several more times, it isn't recommended, and makes you look needy and like a beggar at best, and creepy at worse.
Although the strategy can sometimes pay off, there are better ways. How you may ask? Simple, don't ask for it at all. Instead say something like. "I've had fun talking to you actually, it would be cool to chat again sometime, whats the best way I can get in touch with you?"
This is a nice little way around the problem, for several reasons. You've been building up to this moment for minutes, hours, possibily days. Getting her number is the foot in the door so that a date or relationship can follow. But, you don't want her knowing that, because it adds pressure to her and makes it seem like it matter to you far too much.
One of the things women, in fact people, dislike the most, is being pressured. By adding ACTUALLY makes it sounds as if the contact request is spontaneous and impulsive, as if its just occured to you that you'd like to keep in touch with her, when really it's what you've wanted to ask all along, but this way alleviates the pressure from both her and you. You also haven't asked for her number, just a contact method.
Many women, particularly ones that are hit on alot, have auto-pilot responses. They say no, even though they are attracted to you, because they are used to doing it, or they don't feel entirely comfortable. If you say "best way to contact?" Instead of "Give your number", you're opening other possibilities, even though the number is what you're interested in. She can reply "I'll give you my facebook", you reply, "Mmm, I don't go on facebook often" (even if you do) use the same answer if she offers you an email address. But you'll be surpised how often she may just say "Oh...well.....you can have my number if you like". Not only are you now going to get her number, but you've also made it sound as if she is the one who has suggested it. If she point blank refuses (There are women out there who don't hand out numbers to guys, no matter how attractive they are) to give you her phone number, then accept facebook or email with "Yeah, cool". Lesson 9
Plenty more fish in the sea. And it is so true. Hanging up on one girl who liked for ages? Move on man, the world is full of amazing women, some of which, are capable of reciprocating those feelings back towards you. If you can't get over a girl, then it's time to recognise that you are not feel love or attraction, but infatuation and obsession. These things are highly likely to be detrimental to your efforts, and your affect your overall outlook on the situation, ultimately, you're highly likely to scare that "one" girl away, because your feelings are in orbit, whilest your judgement is flatlined. If a girl you've put an effort into, still hasn't shown any interest in sharing the same feelings towards you, then it's time to go talk to more girls.Lesson 10
Don't put stock into something that doesn't have purpose. If you have a poor interaction, felt awkward, got the cold shoulder, or got insulted. Don't worry about it. It's not an insult on you, although those people may not realise it, it's just a negative judgement on your methods. That you did something wrong, or didn't do something.
Interactions with living beings are walking, talking sources of feedback, so learn from them, but never take them to heart. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Although I'd like to amend the final piece there, it should be "learn, change, try again". Don't give people power to affect your reality, but taking their opinions to mean a personal attack, it simply isn't true.
Think about it objectively, pahaps the people you were talking to, had their own insecurities?. Avoid false jusitifaction or putting energy into negative scenarios, at all costs. Things like, shes not my usual type, she's too busy to talk to me, she's probably really shallow, I'm busy having too much fun with my friends, I have other things to be doing, she's not that hot anyway... It's all wall to wall bullshit, you're attracted to her, aren't you. Don't give yourself excuses to get off the hook, you'll never get the best out of yourself that way.Lesson 11
Women choose men, its evident all over the world, in most of the species, and the reason for that is evolution. Women chose the best man they can find, because the weakest mens genes should be merclessly purged from exsistance. Its unfortanate that in this day and age, with our high technology and developed society, that evolution still plays such a vital part of courtship and reproduction in our lives.
However what is fortunate, is that in society, we always have more options, unlike the primordial world when a rejected man is usually doomed. Men compete, women choose, its a simple fact of evolution. Make sure she chooses you.
The reason? A man, although this not particularly accepted nor recommended in modern society, has the ability to impregnate more than one woman, in fact, theoretically, he could impregnate many, in a short space of time. This is engineered into us through evolution and genetics, and no matter how much society will try and change that, the basic instincts still lie under the surface of us all. This is why men, are typically, easily attracted to more than one woman at one time.
Women on the other hand, are very different. A woman can only have one child, to one man, at any one time, and then has a waiting period before she can conceive again, which is usually consumed by care of her offspring. Therefore a womans basis for thinking, is towards one man, and usually, the best man she can have. She wants the man who will provide the strongest genes, and give her the best offspring, with the maximum chance of success and survival.
A confident Alpha Male, who takes care of himself, with strong opinons, social prowess, and skills to survive and thrive, who leads the pack, rather than follows, fits the bill in the dating pool, the best. Physical strength, although not a disadvantage, isn't necessary for attracting women.
There are many types of strength, emotional strength is a must have for the winning guy (although paradoxically, showing a weaker side to a woman who is already attracted to you, can be a positive, in the right circumstances). Although any women in question, may point plank refuse into getting pregnant, and may genuinely not be looking for anything like that, it doesn't change the system she uses for deciding who she is, and who she isn't, attracted to. Attraction is not a choice. By being attracted to somebody she is simply doing, is following the the natural flowchat and algorithm, to meet the above criterea, that is programmed into her, by mother nature herself.Lesson 12
Alot of men who fail with women, believe it is because they are not the 'bad' boys, that women tend to be attracted to, and they are too "nice". Let me dispel that myth. The dating pool is not full of "nice guys" and "bad boys", it's full of "weak guys" and "strong guys". So if you're a "nice guy", you can still be a nice guy, but you also must be strong. Most people who behave as "too nice", only do so, because they fear the opinions and judgement of others, are intimidate by other confident people, worry about confrontation, and don't want other people to think badly of them. If this sounds like you, get off your high horse. Do not mistake being fearful, timid and weak minded, for being "nice".
I leave you, wishing you the best on your journey, and good luck getting that girl you've always wanted. Maybe it doesn't have to be a far fetched fantasy anymore?